Dance and Korean Kims

I can't wait to resume dance fitness classes once I have my surgery in late May. Before then, my parents will be gone and traveling in South Korea. I'm actually upset, because I was suppose to have my surgery next week, which means I could start dancing sooner, but it's getting postponed until after this school semester is over. With Grandma's condition, my mom wanting me pushing back the surgery. Back in college, I'd often attend cardio kickboxing classes and dance classes at the Y. There was a hip-hop dance studio in Fresno that I'd visit when I came home for the holidays. Lately, I've been into the dance classes that the gym offers, but I had to take a hiatus due to my health which I'm hoping the surgery will partially resolve. My body works a bit different than what I was capable of in my younger days but I think I can still dance. 

As far as the surgery goes, the surgeon is cutting bone from my chin. I talked about complications I was having after I had the chin implant removed. I firmly believe the chin had been growing and disfiguring my face. I think my intent with this surgery is to soften my face and to get it back to its old form as much as possible. That'd be nice but I doubt my face will ever return to its original form. 

I had a group presentation today. I don't like speaking in front of an audience. In mid-May, Valley Children's is having a job fair for pediatric nurse externs. I'm thinking about going to that function. It'll be good for me to establish networks. 

The other day, I substitute taught 1st graders, which is one of my favorite grades to teach. There was an argument amongst students over who said a naughty inappropriate word. I had to reprimand the accused student. When I got home, I opened my Spotify account and began listening to music that contains inappropriate language. I realized how hypocritical I am as a substitute teacher. Should I disguise my social media accounts, including Spotify, to serve as a role model for these students? I'm torn between privacy and public status of social media accounts because on one hand, they're expressions of who I am and don't want to hide my interests and what represents me. But on the other hand, I am a role model for students that I teach, and I would want to be the best representative of my employers. It's a tricky subject. 

I'm going to transition to the subject of friends. It's hard choosing friends, and sometimes we have to be choosy. I don't get offended if someone doesn't want to be my friend. On the other hand, I'm grateful for the friends that I continue to make, including in the nursing program or at work. Friends are vital for support. 

Sometimes I draw the boundary of where manipulative "friends" or friends who are prone to take advantage of my time or be disrespectful. For example, I had moved to NYC and entered a full-time nursing program at Columbia Nursing. Saehee Kim from Fresno contacted me to tell me she was in NYC one weekend and asked me to meet her downtown on a Saturday. I couldn't give up my Saturday, and I was there to make new friends, which I eventually did. But also, I was there to survive, and I wasn't going to let Saehee Kim or someone like her take advantage of my time. I ended up making new friends quite easily or finding friends that readily accepted me. I just think that it's important to be respectful as friends and have an awareness of where not to cross lines. I was actually quite upset at how Saehee Kim contacted me or found out I was living in NYC. One can say the same thing about Julia Chang and Brian Choi when I agreed to meet with both of them for lunch. On my end, the purpose of meeting with them is that there was possibility of Julia being in NYC and being a support person for myself, but Saehee Kim was quite far fetched and I wasn't going to let her take advantage of my territory in NYC. It is quite selfish of me according to how things turned out at church with Eugene Kim, who I found out was at least a few years my senior, and subsequently the other guy whose name I discovered to be Kane Kim. It's just that I had needs, too, and Saehee Kim wasn't an appropriate person to meet with at the time. I'm still upset about things from then. On the other hand, I feel so bad for Jane Sueyon Moon and her college roommate Tracey Kim (Tae). I totally used up Tracey's and Jane's time disrespectfully, and I feel so bad for that. 

I'm content in Fresno now, but I'm upset about how things turned out for me and having to leave NYC, the way I did. 

I could go on and on about how upset I was about Saehee Kim calling me in NYC without telling me in advance. I had paid $800 monthly rent and I was paying my expenses through student loans. She calls me and tells me she's downtown which means I would have had to spend for the subway ride to her, without anything in return from her besides precious time spent that I didn't have. Then, it was a gamble for things to miraculously "work out" between me and whichever Korean Kim guy, such as Eugene or not. I'm using Eugene as an example because of what he did at church! That wasn't the most polite way of addressing me or recognizing me, despite probably having no other way. Then, I take up Tracey's precious time and hard earned money when she pays for my dinner. It was rude of Saehee Kim to show up unplanned and knowing my financial situation, despite encountering Eugene and what he did to me on Sunday. And the other guy who I find out to be Kane Kim isn't entirely innocent. It's just that they regarded time the same way, but I'm seen as the bad friend to Saehee Kim for having foregone meeting her in NYC. What about everyone else??? Having said that, that's really not my point. My purpose is to reveal how impulsive and reckless Saehee Kim was for the way she called and without having insight into my situation and circumstance, as self-centered as she can be. 

Despite skimming through C.S. Lewis' Four Loves, I find it ironically hard to love people when they selfishly take up time for their own gain, which is how I see Saehee Kim. Love, especially at that age, is supposed to be directed at the special someone, a companion who can be trusted. That's what I learned from the past year at home, where I also learned about friendship through VOG ministry. Genuinely, I knew Saehee Kim was an emotionally needy person, and in NYC, I couldn't be that person nor was I going to introduce her to people. It really takes a lot to spare love for someone outside of who life is shared with. Anyways -- this post reflects how upset I was that Saehee Kim expected me to meet her in NYC. 

Unfortunate for me, I had chin problems that interfered with sharing love or affection with the right person. It comes across as a communication problem, which it can be, but the chin problem was seriously a pain in the butt. It's hard to explain. It's like the cause of a chronic depression that I shouldn't be having but am and that can't be resolved by life circumstances, no matter how great such as life in NYC and being a student at Columbia Nursing. 

I think my chronic depression caused by the chin implant and subsequent chin problems enlightens that things at home aren't bad. I have family, a home and had a great workplace with wonderful colleagues and school friends. Had I stayed in NYC, rather than leaving the way I did, and shared a life with anyone - I'm using Eugene as an example, I still would have been chronically depressed with my chin problems.