Familiar face on Youtube church and thoughts on leadership, $10,000

 While perusing through Youtube sermons, I noticed a familiar face from one church recording and that was Matthew Yi (husband of Mildred Yi). Matthew Yi and Mildred Yi had come through Fresno and Matthew Yi had served as the youth group pastor of Korean Presbyterian church youth group. Then they lived in San Leandro during the time I was a college student at UC Berkeley. I believe Matthew Yi (and Mildred Yi) was a responsible group leader unlike Pastor Sung Chang, who also lacks 눈치 in the way I described Saehee Kim and HT Kim's mother. 

I wasn't around much when Sung Chang was the pastor of the Korean Presbyterian church youth Group in Fresno. I can't even remember who my Youth group pastor was since I was too busy with my head in the AP European History and AP Human geography books in junior year. I forget. Anyways, when I returned to Fresno temporarily between 2010-2011, I discovered pastor Sung Chang wasn't the most responsible group Leader. 

Like I said, seeing new and familiar faces in Youtube church recordings can bring joy. They can also engender the opposite feeling, as is the case with HT Kim's mom who I mentioned I really dislike and grew an aversion towards for attempting to invade in my personal space and lacking 눈치.

In all seriousness, Matthew Yi was rad, cool, and hip as a Youth group Pastor. On the other hand, Pastor Sung Chang was annoying. I left the church group after developing an annoyance of Pastor Sung Chang's ways and favoritism. No really, he annoyed me by his lack of 눈치. 

I will give an example of a familiar face who I was excited to see visiting me in NYC - Eunice Moon. Her face shines and brightens up my day. I was happy to hear from her, albeit my weakened condition, and happy to sacrifice seeing Eugene K. or Kane Kim on a Sunday at Emmanuel for Eunice Moon. 

Really, though. Matthew Yi was a trooper. He was around as a Youth Group leader when HT Kim and Janet Lee were members of the youth group. Although I never witnessed Pastor Sung Chang as a Youth Group leader, I did get to see him lead the Adult EM, and he lacked something that Matthew Yi had and brought to the youth group... good looks? Just kidding. Pastor Sung really did lack in something. He's kind of clumsy, awkward...he's just not as suave as Matthew Yi. More than that, he lacked 눈치. Maybe he lacked the social skills that Matthew had and the social experience that a college life brings...not too sure. 

Sung Chang erred in a number of ways that I can't really detail. I don't look up to him like I do Matthew Yi. Sung Chang held himself in an erroneous way, even his focus in his sermons were a bit annoying, going on and on about purple robes and giving the judgmental eye like I had done something wrong. He made me feel guilty for who I was and yet overlooked Linda Lee's greedy ways. All in all, he lacked 눈치 especially on the Friday Andrew W. asked if I wanted ice cream at his house. That night was so despicable in many ways. Sung Chang just stood there and eaves dropped on the conversation in the kitchen. He's absolutely dumb in my eyes for doing that on that night. I tried to make sense of him, rationalizing that any pastor could have lacked poor sight in that sort of situation. Even though I had a chin problem, he was slow to catch on. In hindsight, I'm not why any pastor would need that sense or skill, especially an EM pastor who contributes to a group dynamic. I'm wondering would Matthew Yi have been the same between Janet Lee and Hansol An in youth group when they were dating. This has me wonder why did Sung Chang and Luanne leave the ministry then and why were they able to escape to Los Angeles then and not before? That's also mysterious in the way HT Kim's act of child pornography is. Also that night when Andrew asked if I wanted ice cream, Linda and Jessica Lee didn't participate in the group Bible study conversation but Pastor Sung totally overlooked them and bypassed that they weren't contributors to the group dynamic in the way a Friday bible study should be. When I think of the chain of events from those past months, I remember how hard it was for me to have the chin implant in my chin but I was able to assess the impact it had on my role in a group like I had in San Francisco with the church at KCPC EM before I returned to Fresno!! That was when I literally sent an e-mail and had to lie in the e-mail to justify my actions to Albert Kim in San Francisco (Yo, Sharon and Priscilla talked about him, and I overheard.). I also experimented with the impact of having a chin implant in the group dynamic of Ahnah Lee and her friends at her birthday party where Andrew Ko, Christine Yang, and Jason Han had shown up to and when I spent the night over at Ahnah's boyfriend's apartment in SF and had seen his roommate. By the time I moved to NYC, the next involved guys that I encountered in the church were Eugene Kim and Kane Kim. Throughout all this, pastors had been observers of this sort of hell-like group dynamic but I feel that as an EM ministry pastor or youth group pastor, they need to have 눈치 unlike Pastor Sung Chang who lacked it and know when and when not to interfere. Pastor Sung Chang literally listened to (or he's deaf) Andrew asking if I wanted ice cream inside his kitchen on a Friday evening, and since David Sihyo Kim had lied to me on a Friday evening, I had the suspicion that I was being asked to stay a little while. To me that was daunting because I had chin implant problems and didn't know what to say and what would happen! When I came across the situation with Kane, I really don't know what was being asked of me on that Sunday and was reminded of Andrew from the Friday night and David Sihyo Kim lying to me. Pastor Sung had probably observed everything that took place, being the nosy person that he is. I wanted to have my chin problem addressed and needed to ask the right person to help for that, but Pastor Sung didn't seem to have any 눈치 throughout that entire year and a half upon which I left VOG and was happy that someone as dull as Pastor Sung was nowhere in my sight or vicinity. 

When Eugene K. came into the situation on Sunday, I wasn't sure how to go about asking for help with my chin problem (I needed the chin implant removed and someone had to pay the price!). That's when Kane made the choice to involve himself, whether it was impulsive or genuine. But then, Esther Choi (married to Jaymin Berg) ran around campus manically and harassed me on campus after that Sunday, and I cried and cried... until I had to start taking a high-dose of antidepressants to stay in school during which an African guy revealed his genitalia at me inside Mount Sinai hospital. It was all so painful and traumatic. Then a year later, another African guy pulled a gun (don't know if it was fake) that I stared at while it was pointed to my head. After withdrawing from the university because my parents wouldn't send me back, I discovered Kane's parents run a jewelry shop, which I don't really care for now considering how messed up life got for me. That's not the worst of it all. There was a seeming death/suicide amongst the psychiatry medical residents from Mount Sinai, and so it adds to the perplexity of HT Kim's suicide after his child porn allegation. Pastors can be such heedless people. But for Pastor Sung Chang, he appeared entirely hyper fixated on a subject matter and wasn't really addressing the needs of the existing adults of his age group in that VOG ministry. All the while, Leo Kim had been attending nearly every single Friday group to use the EM to socialize with during which he may have been the Youth Group pastor which means he had responsibilities to attend to the Youth Group with 눈치. For whatever reason, Leo Kim no longer was the Youth Group pastor in the Fresno Korean Presbyterian church. Jamie Chan had come by the Korean Presbyterian church sometime before I ran into her at Emmanuel in NYC when it appeared that I had angered her and wouldn't help me buy time while waiting for Kane Kim as he seemed to have implied. So, that's how I returned back to Fresno! So, the most important question that I needed to address was who was going to help me with my plastic surgery revision needs, now that we all know I paid $10,000 for the upcoming procedure and had paid a couple thousands for prior revision procedures? I honestly think Eugene K. was shelling out his wallet on that Sunday. While Andrew W. asked what credit card I was using after a Friday dinner, I think Linda Lee was getting aggravated and frustrated all the whilst despite having a boyfriend Eddie and working a job as a dentist. I think, to her, the law degree or medicine degree really, really, really, really mattered in her future husband because she made her aggravation apparent to me, often treating me like "shit" behind people's backs. This was all going on while Pastor Sung Chang was present, further more indicating his lack of 눈치. 

I'll give a more recent example of a Preacher/Pastor I respect and that's Sean Samuelu. He wasn't dull like Pastor Sung Chang was. He was quick and friendly. 

I'll be getting another chin revision surgery, paying $10,000 for the procedure. I truly think the plastic surgeons aren't fixing the issue correctly. My face and weight along with my hormones, physiology, chronic depression wouldn't be an ongoing issue. 

While marriage and having kids seems exciting, I'm really not intending to have that kind of lifestyle. With my existing headaches, it'll just add more pain and discomfort and I think I'd be a horrible wife and mother. I'm better off being a single spinster with a satisfying career as a full-time RN. 

I'm not really saddened by the outcome of my adult life. I think I received plenty of affection throughout my adult life, even from Ahnah's brother Ahin Lee once upon a time ago. 

The church has shown that it can be divisive, in the matters between VOG back when Pastor Sung was around. It didn't need to be divisive. I guess I could have reciprocated to Andrew's needs in exchange for my urgent need to have the plastic surgery revision/chin implant removal to get addressed. Same goes with the church in NYC upon which Jamie Chan didn't help me out and spare her time so that I could wait for Eugene or Kane to help me out with my cosmetic chin implant removal. 

If that's the case where any attorney and law degree graduate is capable of paying for my chin implant removal and girls like Jamie Chan and Linda Lee are becoming aggravated, where does that leave me?????? It renders me nearly 100-200 pounds overweight because it's causing the weight gain issues. I'm just an overweight girl with a truly disfigured face who can't find a compatible husband, further adding to my chronic depression. Now, it's too late for me to raise a family because I would never get pregnant at this age and weight, and my appearances have become too disfigured. 

Pastor Sung Chang meddled wrongly. He lacks 눈치. 

For a radio journalism graduate college class, I interviewed a pastor at the college. Although I didn't ever sit in his pew while preaching, I did have a one to one conversation about Christian views of homosexuality. It takes a certain skill to be a thriving pastor of a college ministry. I'd imagine it to be 눈치. 

The same goes for a pastor's wife. Mildred Yi and Luanne Lee provide me two opportunities to gauge what duties a pastor's wife has with a ministry, specifically with Korean Presbyterian church in Fresno. I feel that Luanne Lee lacked tact in conversational skills and the influence that Mildred Yi had with the youth group. With girls like Janet Lee and Jane Yoo, I feel that Luanne Lee would have a hard time as a pastor's wife. I'm not even sure how Mildred Yi handled her job. 

I know that it sounds harsh, but think of this as a critique like one of those that people write about Berkland campus ministry (even though I personally liked what I saw of the pastor when I had the interview with him). 

I personally don't think I could handle the job of a pastor's wife. It seems hard. I know that it's quite tactless of me to say that, especially with the upcoming Easter Sunday. Given that I've been criticizing Sung Chang and Luanne Lee as past leaders of Korean Presbyterian church EM in Fresno, I still admit that it seems pretty hard to be church leaders. And, I praise Matthew and Mildred Yi for their leadership within the church in Fresno, especially for how they handled Janet Lee, HT Kim, and Hansol An. As a church leader, I just wouldn't know how to handle a pregnancy at that young of an age that Janet and Hansol were. I guess it'd needed to be addressed with tact and 눈치, which I've said Pastor Sung Chang showed to lack.

I had such a distasteful experience with Pastor Sung Chang as the leader/pastor of VOG from the year in 2010-2011. It was almost as distasteful as what I saw from Esther Choi (married to Jaymin Berg) at the school in NYC and her running and behaving manically following the Sunday when I saw Eugene and Kane. The thing about Pastor Sung Chang is that he had missed the boat outing of members, which included Andrew and me. Andrew had been somewhat clear with me for a handful of months, but I had the whole chin problem which I found to be a problem again in NYC with Eugene and then Kane. Throughout that year though Pastor Sung Chang acted as a human, not a pastor, and the night after Andrew's when he eavesdropped over a conversation Andrew had with me, Pastor Sung Chang acted differently. He appeared to mettle, as I said. Despite Linda Lee bringing her boyfriend Eddie to a Friday evening, Pastor Sung seemed to favor Linda Lee's aggravation and frustration. It was such a weird year in the ministry. Then, Pastor preached on a sermon focused on purple robes and looked over at me as if I had been a culprit. I disliked his way of handling the group dynamic all throughout. 

Since I found numerous critiques on pastors and ministries online, I figured it wouldn't hurt to expose what happened in VOG from the years I was in Fresno and before I left for NYC. One can say my experience with this pastor is like that of a corrupt Catholic priest, although not to the extent that reaches the news and media. He misused his role as leader of VOG ministry, and it was so sneaky and subtle. I feel that he held opinions that weren't reasonable for his role as Pastor and leader of VOG ministry, further adding to my analogy of him as a corrupt Catholic priest. 

While I knew what Andrew wanted from me, perhaps a closer friendship, I can't quite figure out how Pastor Sung benefits from conversing with me over fellowship. Was it to fulfill his needs for a companion that Luanne should be present for? I wasn't in a position to provide them with connections that can lead to a better job, so his intentions were confusing as a pastor and leader of the group. If he was going to fellowship and spare his time, it should have been with people he could potentially benefit from like Janice Yoon and her husband Dave or Mike Shin and Ann Shin. As I was in my mid 20s, I wasn't in a position where I needed pastoral care and so it was just weird of Pastor. I think Matthew Yi would have approached the situation differently, with more 눈치 and skill. I'd actually never gotten too close to a pastor in any ministry until Pastor Sung Chang who seemed to prioritize conversing with me at fellowship rather than other members, and it left a distasteful experience because I feel that I wasted a lot of time because of him. 

My previous experiences with the church include campus ministry FiCB and the church KCPC and after with Emmanuel in NYC. I can't really compare my dislike of Sung Chang as a pastor and leader to anyone else because there hadn't/hasn't been anyone else leaving that same distasteful impression. I know there have been some talk on Ed Kang from Berkland but I left with a good impression of him after I held an interview with him on campus. Reverend Charles Drew was a good preacher, and I'd assume he is fair and judicial being a Harvard University graduate. Pastor Sung Chang of VOG on the other hand gives me that slimy impression.