Living in a Buddhist Temple with Korean Buddhist Monks in San Francisco

A few years ago, my parents kicked me out and I moved into a Buddhist Temple located in Fresno, CA. At first, it was more of a place to live for me. I didn't feel comfortable engaging in their Buddhist practices... initially. As time passed, I got to know the people living there and the Korean Buddhist Monk. I participated in chants with them and ate out with them. If you've gone to Korea, you'll see Buddhist temples spread throughout Seoul and even throughout South Korea, signifying that the Buddhist religion has influence on Korean culture and Korean society. 

Living at the Buddhist temple was temporary, and I've returned to the practices of the Christian religion despite not having a local ministry that I belong to. The Buddhist experience was a short-lived one that I most likely won't return to unless I have to again... by necessity. I lived there for awhile without a car, and they sustained my livelihood before the Korean monk drove me to a Buddhist temple in San Francisco and provided me with some money to live on. I stayed at the SF Buddhist Temple until I had to find my own living arrangement and could no longer afford rent at the SF Buddhist Temple. I showed up at Uncle Tommy's and Aunt Susie's in Danville. 

They let me stay at their house for awhile. I was working for an after school program then and had an interview to work a full-time teacher's aide job with San Francisco Unified School District. I was too lazy to show up to the interview with SFUSD, so I decided to move out of Uncle Tommy's and Aunt Susie's and return to Fresno. I was able to get my aunt to talk with parents in letting me move back into their house. 

By the way, a few years prior I had gone to Tim's House in Oakland for a CCPC Bible study. Tommy or Martin drove me and took me there. I just thought that that Bible study is worth mentioning in this blog post because I got to meet new people and that's always enjoyable. 

I spoke about how I outgrew VOG ministry in Fresno. Thinking back to the years 2010 and 2011, the strongest association I have to fellowship is my past memory of Andrew W., and that David Sihyo Kim lied to me on. Friday evening. It's mostly of the weird/troubled relationship to Andrew W. throughout that year since first encounter to my departure to NYC. I have a feeling it was a fluke encounter. The next encounters I spoke about in relation to Emmanuel in NYC were the Columbia Law student/graduate Eugene and the guy whose named I discovered to be Kane. The reason why I think what happened with Andrew W. was a fluke encounter is because I moved on and life happened such that Eugene and the guy named Kane entered the picture. I've had past traumatic memories, such as having a gun pointed to my head or witnessing my mom's shop get burglarized or even a random African male at Mount Sinai in NYC exposing his genitalia at me. But the memories I have with ministry aren't all positive either, despite people have well meaning intentions. 

Since I had drawn close to Mike Lee in my last year of college, and he often drove me around in his car, I don't think of what occurred with Andrew W. or David Sihyo Kim lying to me as anything special. I'm just reminded of what didn't happen with Mike Lee and how he left for Tokyo, Japan and is now working in Seoul and married to a Japanese person. 

Loving people can be a pain in the ass. I even think back to eating out with Julia Chang and Brian Choi when they were in the city, and wonder what happened between them two. Seeing things end up sourly serves as trauma even for myself. 

But meeting new people can be exciting. I've sort of ranked people from my past to see the reasons why I get excited. For example, when I met with Julia Chang and Brian Choi, I wasn't nearly as thrilled to see them as I was to meet Eugene or any of the guys that I mentioned. To me, I had been expecting someone to help salvage me either from my chin problem or financial situation and that was the drive behind my excitement. But with Brian Choi and Julia Chang, although Brian paid for my meal, I wasn't really expecting anything from him since he was younger and Julia's friend, so the excitement of meeting him as a new person wasn't to the extent of say someone like Eugene or Kane (I'm sorry to the people for exposing their deeds but I'm just telling the truth like it is.), or Andrew at home. David Sihyo Kim was a nice person, but he literally lied to me, and he wasn't really someone I was too interested in. I just thought about the liberty a girl has to have the feelings that she does. Anyways, back when I saw Andrew Ko at Ahnah's birthday party, Andrew Ko didn't engender any feeling since I just didn't see him that way despite his property and such (This had to have been before he met his wife.). It's interesting to see the effect that different people have. 

I just think there was more involved within the VOG ministry back when I was there in 2010-2011. People had feelings. I bring up HT Kim, even though he never showed his face at a single VOG outing or Sunday service, because he used up my time back when I was a senior in college at UC Berkeley. He had driven from Fresno up to Berkeley and asked me to have lunch which he paid for. That left a distasteful experience because I wasn't interested in him, even as a friend. He's someone who I found hard to "love" as a person. Lucky for me, my feelings gravitated towards my brothers in Christ through the campus ministry and church. HT Kim was Linda Lee's ex-boyfriend, and Linda treated me like "shit" behind people's backs. I sort of accuse Andrew W. but he hadn't really don't anything wrong besides appear to show his interest in me at the time, which means I had stirred with his emotions unknowingly or unintentionally, because I had the whole chin implant problem and wasn't really ready for a committed relationship. Anyways, HT Kim really pissed me off throughout this whole story, and his brother, despite his taciturn nature, pisses me off with his attitude and judgments, probably holds a favoritism towards his ex-girlfriend Susan Lee still. I really dislike those Kims and Lees for the way they treated me and being oblivious, and they sure have been hard to "love" as fellow Christians. 

So, in NYC when Kane Kim (I'm calling him out on this) got involved, whether he was sincere or not,  Jamie Chan had a bizarre reaction and expressed herself in a way that appeared anger, like I had angered her. My lesson of the story is, as I said earlier, that love is a pain in the ass. Thank goodness, I'm not yet committed to a family or partner where love becomes obligatory. With my chin problem and subsequent weight problem, loving outside of myself is quite a task and tiring, which I've found through experience and trials with the people that got involved in my life (not including the Kims from Fresno). 

Esther Choi (married to a Jaymin Berg) involved herself voluntarily even though I hadn't ever met her and expressed how she felt and included herself in my story. As I said, people held emotions and feelings, which were directed and expressed in various forms (i.e., David Sihyo Kim lying to me). 

Today, I'm sure the actions that I have taken in my personal life, along with other things, have an effect on people's thoughts, emotions, and feelings towards me. I will retell my story over and over again to depict what things took place.

I hate to say that HT Kim and his family, including his brother have been hard to accept into my life. They make themselves matter or pertinent when they don't to me. I have a feeling that there's some psychology involved with that. For example, one Sunday when we were volunteering in the kitchen, HT's mom drew closer to me, which only annoyed the hell out of mind. Andrew was right next to me on that Sunday, and she lacked common sense and drew closer to me despite Andrew standing right next to me. I've had a distaste for HT Kim's mom ever since then, and she probably doesn't know it. 

The significance of bringing up what Kane Kim did and how Jamie Chan deliberately interfered is that people harbor emotions and feelings. I didn't know back then that his parents own a jewelry business in NYC metro area and found out later after I withdrew from the university. Prior to the encounter at my 1st Sunday at the church, I sort of had the idea of getting a hold of anyone from college who was on the East Coast to help out with my move to the city. 

Since getting plastic surgery - the chin implant and liposuction - in 2008, these chain of events are pretty accurate. I had e-mailed a guy named Albert Kim quite purposefully out of impulse, and this is something I truly regret and am embarrassed about. At home, it took over a year to settle my feelings about Andrew W. In NYC, I needed financial salvage due to my student loans and wanted to reciprocate what either Eugene Kim or Kane Kim had expressed on that one Sunday and wasn't able to combat Jamie Chan's and Esther Choi's interferences, resulting in me returning to Fresno without finishing my BSN and/or MSN degrees from Columbia Uni. Along the way, I lost some truly good girl friends from college. It's truly been loss after loss for me, almost like the distance Mike Lee made with me in the last bit of college and the loss of friendship there. I truly don't know how I lost contact with Mike Lee, but I remember he had messaged me when he was studying abroad in Tokyo, Japan before he enrolled at Cornell Law and became wedded. 

What's left of the Kims are the ones in Fresno, who I don't hold any endearment towards like I do with friends I meet throughout my journey. HT Kim should be Linda Lee's friend as they dated in the past. He was charged with a child porn allegation and committed suicide. His brother Intai Kim has a huge attitude, having me think he holds biased favoritism towards his ex-girlfriend Susan Lee, Linda Lee's sister (I'm sorry, but I really don't like that family.). 

With Saehee Kim upsetting me when she came to NYC and the way she came unannounced, I think of Jenny Myung and Esther Lee, both girls who told me their secrets. Even girls develop feelings and emotions. Saehee Kim is not excluded from population of girls, and so I had wondered why the hell she was in NYC and called me after I had been in Fresno for a year and a half and never heard from her and she, like HT Kim, didn't ever show her face and come to a VOG ministry event for fellowship, not a single outing. What Saehee Kim did is akin to HT Kim's mom in that their invasion of my privacy is rude and impolite (They don't have 눈치 when it comes to leaving me alone and minding their business when their intrusion is unwanted.). 

Anyways - since I've had chin problems, I can't really distinguish feelings and emotions. It's typically if a guy shows a liking for me, I'll reciprocate them back but that hasn't been the case in my most important years (fertile years).   

It's just unfortunate that I left suddenly because of a stalker nursing classmate who wouldn't stop looking for me and my whereabouts. As far as HT Kim's involvement, admidst the aftermath of what occurred with Andrew W., he showed up to my house to give me his advice on my own career even though I hadn't asked for him to come (my mom did) nor ask for his advice. What he had to say, despite what occurred with the other Kims in NYC, was that I stay in Fresno and finish my nursing degree at Fresno State, as if he was concerned with my financial well-being. Again, much like his mom and Saehee Kim, he lacks눈치. Along the way, after I withdrew from the university, I discovered that HT Kim too was seeking help for depression and bipolar disorder. At that point, when I withdrew from Columbia Uni, I became severely depressed. That I had returned from NYC and returned to Fresno where life wasn't as exciting as it was when I encountered Eugene and Kane at the church in NYC severely depressed me. I was in my late 20s reaching my 30s back in Fresno rather than in NYC where opportunities were greater, even for marriage. HT Kim voluntarily offered the worst advice to me, and scared me by bringing up the movies A Beautiful Mind and Shawshank Redemption to drive a point about certain occupations and darkness associated with them. 

I think HT Kim's mom, quite aggressively, had absolutely no understanding for my situation and had potential to become delighted at my misery. 

It's easy to get caught up in comparisons and have that affect mood and mental health. Strangely enough, HT Kim died by shooting himself with a gun - which to me, indicates how bad his mental health was and reflects the state of his family. 

I, on the other hand, am quite happy to be at home near my family and use my past experiences to learn from. I have a nursing career to look forward to and that brings excitement to my life. I use this blog post to depict the truth. 

Later in life, there have been other guys who were way to eager to show an interest in me, and believe it or not, I'm a bit prejudicial with who I reciprocate my feelings for. I've had accidents that weren't driven by feelings, but rather by pain, impulse and physiology, but those accidents don't equate to the impulsive actions that drove Saehee Kim to NYC when she discovered I was there or HT Kim's mom in intruding into my personal space. For example, I left and located Daniel Yoo's apartment thinking I could get someone to help with my chin implant. My actions to locate Daniel Yoo were driven by any feelings or emotions, but simply by a request to resolve my chin problem. So, I sort of think my "sleeping" problems which come across as heady were attempts to have my chin problem resolved somehow. 

I thought about the varied effects each guy has had on me. Various factors are taken into account. On the same line of thought and leaving for NYC, I believe my parents made a mistake by not sending me back at the last chance after a leave of absence from the university. Aftermath by staying in Fresno was complicated by the fact that opportunities and encounters like those in NYC were no longer made avail to me, and I had to face seeing HT Kim in odd situations before he committed suicide. 

I began to wonder, though, why was I upset about HT Kim, his mom, and Saehee Kim? They had intruded into my personal space or attempted to when they weren't asked to (again, lack of 눈치). Not only that, it'd be quite dull-headed of me to gravitate towards them when others like Andrew W. or Eugene or Kane or whoever else had prospect of earning an income and were available to me. I had no responsibility towards HT Kim, who was Linda Lee's ex boyfriend, or Saehee Kim or obligation to them. 

At 41 years old, I use my past experiences to make my future decisions. The other thing to mention is that I used the Korean Buddhist Temple because people in the Korean church weren't available to help me out when I got kicked out of my parents. It was very helpful of the Korean Buddhist Monk to take me in and shelter me. 

For whatever strange reason, I called HT Kim during the time I stayed at the Buddhist Temple in Fresno. I guess it felt a bit suffocating. Luckily, the Buddhist Monk sent me up to SF and subsequently to Uncle Tommy's and Aunt Susie's in Danville. The weird thing about the situation with HT Kim was that he held normal composure as if he hadn't didn't get into trouble with the law as he had with child pornography, and he'd commit suicide during the time I was up at Uncle Tommy's and Aunt Susie's, which makes his story so mysterious. Why had he answered my phone call if simultaneously he had been engaging with child pornography? 

Eugene Kim in NYC had sat to my right at a church service, and while I was worshiping, he appeared to have watched me. What I gathered about him is that he had been a working attorney in the city who's now a financial broker for Goldman Sachs in the city. The contrast between HT Kim to the Kims in NYC is so obvious. I'm bringing up Kane because he involved himself, whether it was by accident or it was intentional. Jamie Chan had known HT Kim from Clovis West HS and appeared to know who Kane from the church. My question to her is why she had become angry with me.