NY Yankees vs. SF Giants

A group of NYC friends through a church sent me an e-mail invitation to attend a NY Yankees game. I was super thrilled but I had come back to Fresno temporarily and had to miss the game. I don't follow sports but apparently there was a baseball game between NY Yankees and SF Giants today. I've attended a A's Oakland game back when I was an undergraduate student and volunteered at the stands. If I had to choose between being a fan of NY Yankees and SF Giants, it'd all depend on where I'm living. Hahaha. Since I had lived in NYC, I would have converted to a NY Yankees fan. Since I'm back on the West Coast, I'm definitely converted to SF Giants fan. That's how I decide which sports team to root for. 

To give an idea of my depression over potentially being in a relationship, going to a NY Yankees baseball game with a new group of friends in NYC gave me more joy, even though there was no financial security or incentive whereas being in a relationship kind of guarantees financial security for myself. That's how depressed I was in NYC. Going to a NY Yankees game was more thrilling, because I think the way I was reasoning it out was that being in a relationship was depressing even if I had the slightest bit of interest in a guy. It sounds so weird, but my decision making lead me to where I am today -- single at 41 with no family and kids.  

Now, after a series of chin implant revisions, I'm depressed over the outcome. There's always something to be depressed about. It's depressing, which is why I say I have a chronic depression that's treated with low dose of medication. 

The other thing that's worth being emphatic about is that the chin implant had prevented me from smiling and laughing normally, which leaves me deficient of the hormones that result from smiling and laughing like a normal human being. Even now with the chin complication, I can't quite get the full effect of smiling and laughing, rendering me depressed and why I have a chronic depression that needs to be medicated. 

I seriously don't know how God expects me to worship and praise in a joyful way if I can't get the full hormonal effects due to the chin problems. It's been a sad and ongoing problem since I had the chin implant put in in 2008 and absolutely nothing has permanently resolves the issue. I'll get temporary joy from the pleasures that the day to day life brings, but the chronic depression somehow manages to stay with me. The important thing about this chronic depression is that I manage it, both pharmacologically and non-pharmacologically. Also, I don't have any suicidal ideation which is also important to bring up.

When I think of suicidal ideation, I think of how HT Kim died by shooting himself with a gun after his child porn allegation. Was his suicidal ideation reasonable for his situation? I'm can't answer that question with a yes. He was in a difficult situation as well. 

As far as my situation, when I heard back from schools in NYC, I was thrilled and ecstatic, so much so I forgot about my semi-friendship with Andrew W. at home. The idea of NYC relieved discomfort I was having, not knowing it would follow me to NYC. I think anyone in their right mind, though, would be thrilled to move to NYC. With the loan situation, I somehow knew I could manage my own finances, whether it was through the help of a potential suitor or myself. I still believe I can manage my own finances and live comfortable, although not as well to do as I imagined when I moved to NYC. The fact that I was given chances and opportunities brings happiness, with the provision of God. 

Also, I learned that I have an overbearing mother. A year after she had me get the chin implant, I expressed to her that I wanted it taken out because I wasn't able to get into a relationship that would provide financial security. I didn't explain it to her like that but if I had, she wouldn't have understood. She wanted me keeping the chin implant, and so I remained in Fresno without a boyfriend, despite efforts on Andrew's end (who knows if he was heart felt and genuine) and left for New York knowing I was taking a huge gamble. My mom didn't want me to remove the chin implant because she was afraid of how it would look. I'm not sure why she cared so much about my appearance if I wasn't able to get into a relationship and subsequently married. It doesn't make sense. 

I also wasn't able to contact any of old guy friends from college, which was problematic. What's the point of making connections if they can't be used beneficially? I think part of the discomfort in getting into contact with old contacts was the chin implant, so yeah, the chin implant and chin problems have been a huge problem and interference in life. 

My experience with Esther Choi (married to Jaymin Berg) was an enlightenment about the nature of girls. She basically repeated what I experienced with Linda Lee and her sisters in Clovis. I believe girls are innately terrified of being alone and unloved. They also showed how threatened they feel by each other and each other's beauty standards. I'm not sure what I had done, but I can see how threatened they felt to be competing for love and attention, each in their respective communities. I can't imagine holding a law degree or being a banker can hold that much power, enough for girls to vie for attention and love and fight like Esther Choi and Linda Lee had done. I had never been in those situations prior to my encounters with them. All I know was that I had the experience at home with the funny situation involving Andrew W. and had left for NYC where I encountered both Columbia law students/graduates Eugene and Kane. In that situation, Esther Choi acted weirdly. 

Anyways -- if I had my beauty back, I'd try to garner attention and affection from SF Giants Korean baseball player Jung Hoo Lee. But knowing that I have a chin problem and chronic depression, I'm not sure his prowess would be suffice to overcome my chronic depression either.