Palm Sunday

 In 2010-2011, I wasn't in a committed monogamous relationship. I did, though, "get to know" people by meeting with VOG ministry frequently, about twice a week. I don't know what to call what happened with Andrew W. He ended up having a wedding quite suddenly a year after I left. That year was just weird. Not only was what happened with Andrew weird, but David Sihyo Kim tried lying to me to swoon me over. 

In another post, I described what I think about Saehee Kim and how I didn't meet with her. I also described that I encountered Columbia Law student/graduate at Sunday service. For a year in NYC, it was extremely hard staying "single" or just being single in NYC. What I found out that year was how my chin implant and chin problem were interfering in my capacity to establish a connection to any Korean male, whoever it was! Also, my priorities weren't to sustain my friendships as much as it was to address the chin problem and resolve what interfered with my ability in having a committed relationship. 

It was important to me. That way, I'd avoid getting into a situation that I'm in now - 41, forever single, no kids, no family, and depending solely on myself for an income. It's hard and it sucks having a chin implant/chin complications/plastic surgery problems. It also sucks having bad judgment and ill decision making problems that the chin problem creates. 

I realized, by thinking back, that I changed my mind about Andrew W. at home when NYC became an option, and that's when things got weird. I guess that's like treating him badly, in other words, without realizing it and meaning to. Meanwhile, Linda Lee had been treating me like shit because she wasn't getting what she wanted... with Andrew until she did. It was actually a really weird group dynamic.  

Having chronic depression (because of the chin implant and chin complications and now disfigured face) sucks, too. I'm constantly seeking activities or interests that act as serotonin, dopamine, endorphin hormones. It's definitely tiring. Usually, it's like spending money or eating but there's limitations on those activities and I have trouble curbing both. I find that listening to music or watching good television shows helps. I'm currently on a low dose of an antidepressant, and pharmacological management seems to help but I'm less depressed as I was when Andrew or Eugene or the guy whose name I discovered to be Kane tried to establish a connection with me, which means I was severely depressed then. My chronic depression couldn't be resolved by the male gender liking me or showing an interest in me either. I don't know, which means marriage and having kids wasn't going to solve the issue. It's just a really depressing situation that I've been in since my mom pushed me to get the chin implant. It's kind of upsetting, in a way that makes me want to curse aloud. It's so depressing that being overweight at over 200 pounds doesn't even depress me. It's just been so bad with the chin problems. 

I had this stalker nursing classmate in NYC and that was stressful. It didn't mitigate my chronic depression but instead exacerbated it. The idea of having a stalker who knew my whereabouts or wanted to know my whereabouts was depressing in that school year. So overall, nothing helped with my chronic depression while living in NYC, even the high dose antidepressant that the school had me on. I'm much better now, because I've retrained my mind with a bit of psychology to the extent where I'm happy at home living with my parents in Fresno. While in Fresno, creating a schedule with work and classes and surrounding myself with really good positive people has definitely helped in retraining my psyche and helping. Looking forward to a nursing job also helps but I constantly have to remind myself about that. 

With a nursing career, I have something to take pride in myself. It'll be good for me to keep busy and help others. 

As its Palm Sunday, I'm challenged to think about the applicability of Christianity into my chronic problem. Believe it or not, it's even hard to think about Jesus Christ and God admits my chin problem and subsequent chronic depression. I can't read the Bible like I used to due to headache issues that stem from the chin problem. In lieu, I listen to Christian songs and Christian sermons on Youtube which have been super helpful in sustenance of God and Jesus Christ in my life. It's just super depressing, though. I'm challenged to think about the need for God and Christ since I can't feel that need like I did when I was younger. The life of a Christian is definitely a difficult journey and I'm reminded to constantly surround myself with God's love rather than inadequate human love, even friendship. 

Having said all this, I'm reminded of my friendships from college and how nice some people were. I had gone on "dates" and/or just depended on the acceptance of a companion/friend back then. It's hard to not have that and I think that's where the feeling of loneliness creeps in, which is how I felt in my 1st year of school in NYC despite people's various forms of kindness and acceptance. Also, if I compare what I experienced in college from nursing school, I felt a different form of depression and it was definitely severe while in nursing school. 

With Palm Sunday, though, I'm reminded of Jesus' coming and what that means for me. From a sermon that I watched on Youtube, I'm told about God's goodness and graciousness and his call for obedience. No matter how hard it is with the chin implant/chin problem and what it created, Palm Sunday signifies goodness of God. That song "Lord, I Need You" is totally what I connect with in this Easter season.