Jealousy and coveting

 I get jealous of the weirdest things. I own my own Beat headphones, but when I went up to SF city, I saw some people wearing Apple headphones. I found myself wanting those, even though they cost more. Even my Beats were unaffordable. I clearly can't afford Apple headphones. My Beats serve the same purpose. Still, I want Apple headphones. Their aesthetics and design is hip. I don't know, I guess I've outgrown my Beats. I probably won't ever own my own Apple headphones. They're double the price of Beats. 

Since returning from the trip up to SF Bay Area, I've wondered which city is better and why: SF or NYC? 

I went to the nearby Starbucks from home to try reading more of J.I. Packer's Knowing God. I read one chapter, which is better than none. I've mentioned that reading is becoming more arduous for me. My brain cells aren't working like they used to. 

I enrolled in an additional class for the upcoming semester. It's Counseling for Mental Health, under the Counseling department in Kremen School of Education. I think this class will be useful. Although I've passed two nursing psychiatric clinical rotations, one in Fresno and the other in NYC, I'll still have tons to learn about mental health and psychiatry nursing. I want to learn about the counseling aspect of nursing, not just in psychiatry. I'm looking forward to this class and my other nursing classes. 

I've already mentioned that girls can be real funny when under pressure for marriage. I experienced girls who acted strangely, often directing their negative emotions at me, with two girls in particular - Esther Choi of San Diego (wedded to a Jaymin Berg) and Linda Lee of Clovis (wedded to an Andrew Woo). Their pursuit for happiness through a guy's financial security led them to act crazed, beyond that which is normal human conduct. In some aspect, I understand the distress that they were under but on the other hand, they acted overboard. 

Before I left for NYC, Linda Lee was a source of stress for me as she often displayed her angst at me. Then when I arrived in NYC, Esther Choi had replaced what Linda Lee was to me. The problem was this idea of being the object of love and a man's attention, which I had plenty of both at home in Fresno and in NYC. I've discovered that girls will fight to be the object of love from a man who guarantees financial security and financial wealth. 

When I was studying for an exam in NYC at Columbia Uni., my brother sent the post on the newsfeed "Banksy doesn't have loans". This provoked Esther Choi to run around manically on campus and bully me on campus even though I hadn't met her in person at all. This then led to a series of events that wasn't in my favor. Let's just say, New York wasn't meant for me and I wasn't meant for New York at the time. I had to leave campus and give up on all romantic endeavors. 

I want to do a little introspection of my move to NYC. Things at home in Fresno were good for me. I had a job, enrolled in a nursing program, and could have entered into a relationship with a Korean guy who had shown his liking for me a handful of times. Despite the security at home, I had to leave for NYC. 

Moving to NYC didn't guarantee financial security. That's what I really wanted, though. I really needed financial security and I think I knew there was a chance of having it even if I moved to NYC. I erred on the side of risk, though. I left those who showed their affection to me in Fresno without considering the person on the other side of the situation. I'm truly sorry for that. That's what greed does. It turns anyone into a dirty person, including myself. I hold a lot of guilt for hurting people. 

I am on Chapter Four in J.I. Packer's Knowing God. It mentions that God gets jealous. That's a weird concept for me. Usually, I think of humans as getting jealous. To think that God also gets jealous is strange. Jealousy seems like that of the human character, not someone as powerful and perfect as God. According to the Old Testament laws, God does get jealous. I have to be reminded of that.